I was told by more than one reader that it was nice to see that, sometimes (usually?), DIY projects don’t turn out as planned and I had a special request to give my “fail” picture the headline treatment, so here it is. As the old saying goes, “if you can laugh at yourself you’ll never cease to be amused.”
This project came together (more or less) eventually and you can read about how I did it here, or you can go to the site of the original tutorial and actually follow the instructions.
Hope this brought you a mid-week smile!
Are you, too, seeking to save the earth, promote world peace and raise productive citizens without expending too much effort?
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If we work on our goals together, they may be a little easier to achieve!
I have an almost-2-year-old who LOVES to swing. I have often thought of how nice it would be to have a swing for him in our yard but I’ve just never gotten around to getting one for him.
Then I saw this post on Pinterest:
Click the picture to go to their great tutorial for this totally recycled swing.
And, just a day or two later I saw this commercially made swing that costs over $100:
Click the picture to go to the manufacturer’s site.
These two swings morphed inside my brain.
I uttered the words that daily test my husband’s patience. “I could make that!”
I went rummaging for supplies.
I knew I had an old pair of jeans with a poorly located tear that I’d been saving for just such a moment as this.
I remembered the wooden ladder in the garage. Those rungs would be perfect!
I could get a bit of rope at Dollar General for less than $3.
I was off and running.
Below is everything I learned.
Be sure to read all the way through to the end BEFORE you start the actual construction process for yourself. This is VERY IMPORTANT!
Step one:
Find an old wooden ladder. If you have a saw, cut 4 rungs out of it. If you don’t have a saw use the claw end of a hammer, a screw driver, a power drill and the heel of your shoe to break 4 rungs out. Or just go buy a saw. The other way can be difficult. Not that I did it that way. I’m just guessing. *ahem*
Step two:
Drill 2 holes in each rung. Make sure that they line up to the width and length that you want them or else you’ll end up with 2 sticks that have extra holes in them. Not that I did that either. I’m just sayin’….
Step three:
Cut the legs off your old jeans.
Step four:
Thread the front and back dowels through the belt loops of the jeans.
Step five:
Lay your side dowels on top of the front and back dowels and thread your rope over, under, round and round the FRONT BAR ONLY.
Pay no attention to the extra hole. Just… you know… measure twice, drill once.
Fling your rope over a tree branch and repeat step five with the back holes of your dowels and VOILA! You have a new swing for your little toddler that cost less than $3 and kept an old ladder and a pair of jeans out of the landfill.
Step six:
Put the baby in and watch him fall in love with the new toy you hand-crafted with love.
Uhm.
Wait.
Aw, crap.
He doesn’t look very happy at all. Although, honestly, at this point I was laughing so hard I thought I might wet myself. I can’t even imagine what my neighbors must have been thinking!
OK… that didn’t work out.
Back up.
Step seven:
Find smaller pants.
Step eight:
Take your swing down and repeat steps 4-6. With the smaller pants I found I had to cut slits to fit the dowels through because the loops weren’t big enough. Be strategic about this to be sure the remaining fabric/seams are strong enough to support your little one’s weight.
Step nine:
Chase your now VERY reluctant child through the yard, catch him and jam him, totally unwilling, into the new toy you have lovingly hand-crafted for him. Twice.
Step ten:
Wait for a moment until he realizes that things have improved.
Much better! I wondered if sitting on the seam of the jeans would be uncomfortable for him but he didn’t seem to mind at all. He wanted to swing for a very long time. I did trim the rope and straighten it out after the trial run. The pictures from “step eight” are actually the finished product.
Enjoy!
Are you, too, seeking to save the earth, promote world peace and raise productive citizens without expending too much effort?
Why not follow LazyHippieMama on WordPress, by email or Facebook to get all the updates.
If we work on our goals together, they may be a little easier to achieve!
I’m not sure she’s going to be able to finish that piece of watermelon!
On Earth Day we hear a lot about recycling so I decided to recycle this post from last year… with a few updates, to keep things interesting.
When I look at my WordPress stats the one that consistently floors me is the little world map. My humble little blog has been viewed by people in NINETY FIVE different countries! That just completely stuns me. What a world we live in!
Just a generation or two ago, being so effortlessly in communication with, literally, every part of the globe was unheard of! Every day it is becoming increasingly easy to see how inter-connected the entire planet is. My grandparents didn’t worry about pollution in China or over population in India or oil spills in Nigeria. Modern technology has made us more aware that those things do affect us, just as our actions have an effect on everyone else. We cannot pretend to live in an isolated bubble.
That said…
I don’t know if my international readers have noticed this problem; I would love it if you would take a moment to share. Americans are killing the Earth because we just don’t eat enough!
So today, on Earth Day, I’m asking you to please eat more.
OK. So maybe we Americans, chubby people that we are (as a nation. I know that many of you are perfectly fit and you should hold your healthy heads high!), get plenty to eat. But we WASTE SO MUCH!!! Did you know that, in 2004, researchers at the University of Arizona determined that 50% of the “ready to eat” food in the United States is thrown away? Think about that! HALF of the food produced in this nation is thrown in the garbage!
Kinda makes you want to go dumpster diving, eh? Oh. Right. Yeah. Me either. Gross.
My friend, Paul, will be mentally climbing into his pulpit to preach right now about the injustice of people starving in a nation that THROWS AWAY HALF of its food and he is absolutely positively for-ever-and-sure right to do so! I am standing strong with him on this one.
BUT that’s not what I’m getting at today.
Nor am I intending this to be a push for people to eat more “real” food, grow their own and buy local though I am 100% in support of all those things.
Today is Earth Day. The day we randomly selected to pay respects to that big round ball (oblate spheroid – I’m a nerd. I admit it) that God gave us dominion over. And here’s what I’m thinking….
Living in rural Michigan I am surrounded by farms. It’s easy for me to witness what it takes to make food. There are trucks that haul seeds to a giant silo. There are trucks that haul seeds to the farm. There are tractors to til the earth and plant the seeds and spray pesticides & fertilizer on the plants and harvest the ripe food. There are trucks and trains that haul stuff to factories where it is produced into various pre-made dinners or sauces or juices or whatever or to the market where it needs to be sprayed with water or refrigerated or frozen. Then we buy it and DRIVE it home in our cars and more refrigeration or freezing is required before we cook it and eat it. And that’s not even considering the animals and their water and food and milking machines and fans for summer and heaters for winter……. you get the idea.
BUT we only eat HALF!!!! So all that gasoline, the poison sprays going into the ground, the electricity for storage and preparation is FOR NOTHING! AAAARRRRGGHHHHHH!!!
Have you ever seen your child wasting food that you paid hard-earned money for? Didn’t it make you crazy? It drives me up the wall! It is a serious, MAJOR pet peeve of mine. But the truth is, I do it too. I buy too much produce and throw it away when it spoils. I don’t feel like eating the tiny bit of leftover pot roast so I toss it in the trash.
Apparently, as a nation, we are ridiculously, sinfully guilty of this.
So today I’m simply asking you to take care of the Earth by doing what I ask my children to do. Take all you want. But eat all you take!
And for goodness sake, ENJOY IT!
Chubby Hippie Baby (AKA: Captain Spaghetti Beard) is the poster child for enjoying your food. He eats with GREAT enthusiasm.
I have never owned a power tool of any sort. Not ever… not growing up (I’m sure my father must have owned some but I lived with my mom and 2 older sisters. We were rock stars with a hammer and duct tape but that’s pretty much where our skills ended) or in the young and single post-college days or… ever.
A few weeks ago I went to the ReStore in search of something fabulous to upcycle into shelves for Sweet Hippie Daughter’s hoarder’s warehouse of junk room full of cherished belongings.
First, I must say that if you’ve never been to The ReStore you really must go at least once. It’s this amazing trove of anything that has ever been/could ever be used to build/decorate/furnish a home. It’s kind of like the Hope Depot version of the Salvation Army Thrift Store and the proceeds go toward helping Habitat for Humanity so you get to feel good about coming home with that super-cute screen door vintage 1962 that you just KNOW you are going to find the perfect place for.
Anyway, the shelves were a bust. Nothing was calling my name…. until….
I heard it from across the room.
“Elizabeth! I’m over here!” I wandered toward the televisions. I didn’t need a TV. We already have 2 extras stashed in the attic. ”No! Behind the TVs. Don’t leave me here! I want to go home with you!”
And there it was!
A tad rusty (no worries. I’m up to date on my tetanus shots.) and blanketed under a layer of dust. It was beautiful!
With this I could build an entire shelter for my family! Well… you know… if someone else cut all the wood up for me first and I didn’t have to work too far away from the electrical outlet.
I convinced Handsome Hippie Hubby that he really wanted to spend $5 on this Craftsman beauty and we brought it home.
Then, because God knew that I was now equipped to be a true craftsman (Hey! It says so right there on the side of my new drill!) He gave me a veritable treasure trove of wood pallets.
Do you know how many things you can build with wood pallets?
We composted with such incredible efficiency that our box itself became compost and rotted down to nothing. So, not having a proper bin, we have been chucking all of our kitchen scraps and yard clippings into a hidden corner of the yard. That’s all well and good but… you know… it’s garbage. And it’s rotting. And the squirrels occasionally spread pieces of it around. And… it’s garbage.
So I drove the Hippie Van to my friend’s house and loaded up with 5 lovely wooden pallets.
I came home and carefully read the meticulous instructions on this website to build a very sturdy, level compost bin with a hinged accessibility panel. It was beautiful!
Then I pretty much forgot all of the instructions and, with great enthusiasm, grabbed up my 90 pound drill (why are they so heavy?! If hair dryers weighed that much women everywhere would have arms like Madonna) and box of shiny screws and headed outside to build something with my power tool.
I stood my pallets on end and screwed them together, skipping the “L” brackets from the instructions but adding 478 extra screws just because I could.
Then, standing there in the one spot in my yard that is ALWAYS mucky and muddy and dank, I was inspired!
I knew that one of my pallets was slightly smaller than the other 4 so I lay the last big one down like a bridge over the muck, supporting it with a few old bricks and I set my smaller pallet on top. This way, the hinged gate would be kept up out of the muddy earth and so would my shoes. Genius!
Know what’s not genius?
Starting a project without making sure you have everything you need.
So I loaded my children into the Hippie Mobile and we went to the local Hardware store.
This place is great! It is everything good that people remember from the old days of “ma and pa” stores. It’s locally owned and the staff truly knows their customers and they are genuinely helpful and knowledgeable.
That’s why I’m quite certain, when they see me coming, they quickly have an argument over who is going to have to deal with me…. the over enthusiastic Hippie Mama with 2 kids in tow who knows the name or intended purpose of NOTHING that is sold in the hardware store.
So, today, the sweet older lady drew the short straw and approached me with a cautious smile. ”Can I help you find something today?” She asked, with a slight fearful quivering in her voice.
“Yes, thank you.” I said, removing the screw from Chubby Hippie Baby’s fist before he actually got it all the way to his mouth and snatching Sweet Hippie Daughters hand back from the display bins of decorative rocks. ”I need some… uhm…. you know the fasteners that move… like on doors….”
“Hinges?”
“Yes! Hinges!” (One would think that a person who writes for several hours each week would have such a word right on the tip of her tongue but one would be wrong. I’m telling you I get stupid in the hardware store. Perhaps it’s the paint fumes.)
She nodded, sagely. ”They are on the back wall. Do you need help finding a specific size?”
Oh crap! They come in different sizes?!
I smiled. ”No, thank you. I think I’ll just take a look and see what will work best for me.”
I think I heard a happy little sigh from her as I made my way back to the shiny brass odds and ends aisle. She’d gotten off much easier than they guy that was there the day I first tried to figure out how to glue plastic water bottles together.
I found some hinges that seemed pretty reasonably priced and said that they could support a door that weighed up to 100 pounds. I don’t have a clue how much my pallet weighed but, as I could lift it, I was pretty sure it weighed less than 100 pounds.
After taking a moment to pretend to be a pirate with a giant iron hook for a hand in the chain aisle and spending a few minutes with Sweet Hippie Daughter cataloging ”Things in a Hardware Store That Should Not be Touched by Babies” (there are several, to be certain) we paid and came back home where I attached the door in the wrong spot.
That didn’t matter, though! With my beautiful new/old drill it was a simple matter to reverse the screws back out and do it over. The second time was just right. (If you know anything about carpentry and it’s not right, please don’t tell me. I really don’t want to know.)
I finished up by adding a hook and eye latch to hold the door closed and a cinder-block step for short helpers.
Voila! My beautiful new compost bin!
Isn’t it lovely? A little crooked, perhaps, but quite sturdy and a big improvement over a pile of garbage in the yard.
Being vertically challenged is no excuse for not taking the compost out now.
The face says it all.
I’m just like Steve and Blue. I can do anything I wanna do!
I was promised full support on project #2 as soon as I got project #1 finished. Now I just have to decide… the swing? The lawn chair?
Maybe I should swing by The ReStore tomorrow and see if they have a saw. Just think what I could do then!
* Photo credit goes to awesomehippiegirl. Thanks, Sweet Pea! :)
Are you, too, seeking to save the earth, promote world peace and raise productive citizens without expending too much effort?
Why not follow LazyHippieMama on WordPress, by email or Facebook to get all the updates.
If we work on our goals together, they may be a little easier to achieve!
Well… 8,251 other moms plus their babies and I broke it. In April, 2012 parents and caregivers at 256 locations in 15 countries simultaneously changed all their babies out of cloth diapers and into cloth diapers.
Why?
To show how easy it is to use cloth diapers! It’s also environmentally friendly, super healthy for babies and oh-so-stylish.
You just can’t be this awesome in paper pants!
Tomorrow we’re going to do it again! This time there is a brand new FABULOUS cloth diaper store (They’re online if you need the hook up. Check them out!) just a mere 5 minute walk from my house that is a certified host location so there’s no 50 minute trek to the big city. This means I don’t have to burn fuel to promote sustainability. That’s a good thing!
I thought about using this post to wax poetic about all the reasons I love cloth diapers. I thought about sharing tips if you are thinking of switching but, in the end, I realized that I just wanted to brag that I’m in the Guinness Book of World Records. Also, that I’ve had my best (busiest/most positive response) blog week ever. If you’re reading now, thanks for making it even better!
Hope your weekend is full of fun and laughter and joy. Don’t forget to watch for miracles, they are all around you if you just make the effort to notice.
Are you, too, seeking to save the earth, promote world peace and raise productive citizens without expending too much effort?
Why not follow LazyHippieMama on WordPress, by email or Facebook to get all the updates.
If we work on our goals together, they may be a little easier to achieve!
At this point, he just sounds sort-of hoarse, like he got little over-enthusiastic screaming at a rock concert or something. The first night, however, was very scary. He truly couldn’t get any air and we ended up spending the night at the children’s hospital.
The thing about croup is that kids don’t really seem too bad during the day but, for some reason, nature has played a sick-twisted joke on exhausted parents everywhere, because as soon as the sun sets the symptoms of coughing and wheezing and generally sounding like one is drowning kick in. Of course, babies don’t rest well while coughing and wheezing and feeling like they’re drowning and, as any parent can tell you, if baby doesn’t sleep, no one gets to sleep.
Being awake around the clock for 4 days in a row gives one a fair amount of time to think… though, admittedly that thinking process becomes progressively more erratic sometime after day 2.
At 4am today, for example, with the 914th episode of Blue’s Clues that I’ve seen in the past few days playing quietly in the background, I thought about how I could help my fellow up-all-night-for-various-reasons parents. I decided that, if I could have anything at that very moment I would wish for hot coffee and something to make me laugh (for in laughing we cast aside the other choice… crying).
I can’t give you coffee. Because… you know… you are there and I am here. BUT, I can give you justification to drink more coffee. I once learned that drinking vast amounts of coffee will, over time, lead you down the path of immortality. John Tesh told me so. So, stop hesitating and go pour yourself a cup o’ Joe. It does the body good!
As for laughter… here you go… 5 things that will make you laugh.
1) The banana slicer.
A friend of mine recently posted this link to Amazon where one can apparently buy a tool specifically designed for that oh-so-difficult task of slicing bananas. Read the reviews. You will laugh, I promise.
I give you the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer
2) The Backin’ Up song.
This just cracks me up, and I can’t help but admire the cleverness, creativity and available spare time of the people who made the re-mix. But be warned. This song will randomly pop into your head and stay there for weeks on end for the rest of eternity once you watch this.
3) What Celebrities Would Look Like If They Moved To Ohio.
Someone emailed this PDF file to me at work and I laughed so hard I cried.
I think it’s just the idea of Ronald McDonald slapping the crap out of somebody that really gets me. I bet he ordered the salad.
Image from oddfunny.com
5) These pranks.
This is one of those things that build and build and gets funnier and funnier the longer you watch. I think the Jesus humor is the funniest because, for some reason, Jesus humor is almost always hysterical to me.
So there you go. I hope it helps. Hang in there, sleepy moms and dads. You’re not alone and you will get to sleep again…. some day. I think. Dear God, I hope so. In the meantime, just keep laughing.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
6) No More News
Handsome Hippie Hubby said, “You have to include the “no more news” video! It’s hysterical!” And so it is. Enjoy!
Are you, too, seeking to save the earth, promote world peace and raise productive citizens without expending too much effort?
Why not follow LazyHippieMama on WordPress, by email or Facebook to get all the updates.
If we work on our goals together, they may be a little easier to achieve!
It’s been a wonderful, fun year full of growth and learning. I “officially” have 226 followers plus 50 (lots of crossover, I’m sure) on Facebook. That’s seriously awesome! It makes me feel like maybe I’m not all alone in my crazy quest to find a way to promote world peace, save the earth and raise productive citizens (without expending too much effort).
In one year, there were nearly 14,000 views of my 204 posts. Take THAT Professor “you’ll never be a writer people want to read.”
Those readers came from 94 different countries. NINETY FOUR! That is my very most favorite stat! It makes me feel so… connected.
Below, is my first ever post. As I researched and wrote the posts that followed that one, some things changed.
I stopped using hybrid diapers. I came to realize that the liners I was flushing were a resource suck, just like disposables. The poo isn’t really so bad to deal with. Usually. Most days. Sometimes.
I stopped buying the $1.25 spaghetti sauce with high fructose corn syrup. I learned that if you shop carefully you can find some really great stuff for just a smidge more. The sauce I bought today was more expensive. It was $2. But it had no sugar, no ingredients that I wouldn’t be able to identify in their raw form, organic tomatoes, it’s packaged in glass instead of a plastic lined can (no BPA) and it’s much, MUCH tastier than the other stuff.
I don’t watch Glee anymore. I’m stuck on Once Upon a Time now.
I use more than one spelling and grammar checker now. Oiy. That first post was a mess.
But for all that, the sentiment remains the same and I believe it more passionately than ever. If we all made just a bit of an effort, it would make a huge difference.
Thank you all so much for being a part of this community. You have brought me great joy! You have challenged me to think and grow and do more and BE more than I thought I could be. Thank you!
One final, closing request… I’m sort of needy. I feed on the little orange “notification stars” on my WordPress page like a… a…. a…. ah, geez. Here we go with my metaphor issues again. Let’s just say they make me really happy. I should probably just write for the joy of it, but the truth is I love being loved. It’s a sickness. So I beg you, feed the madness! Click “like” or, better yet, leave a comment. You’ll make my day! Even better, become a follower of the blog or on Facebook. OR you could “share” so that MORE people send little orange stars and then you can go to bed with the knowledge that, somewhere in Michigan a Hippie Mama is doing the happy dance and it’s all because of your kindness.
Thanks again, for a great year. Here’s to many more years of sharing and growing together.
I think hippies are awesome. I don’t mean the pot-smoking music lovers of the 1960′s. I mean the new-millennium hippies. Think about it… they want to save the earth and stop war and animal abuse and promote family and small business and all that good stuff. Who doesn’t think those are great, worthy causes?
My family and friends call me a hippie.
Among my circle of acquaintances I am one of the few who is an adamant supporter of breastfeeding. I use cloth diapers. I put marigold tea on my little girl’s mosquito bites. I wanted very much to have a waterbirth and railed against the universe when it became medically necessary for me to have a c-section. Both times! (Ugh! I’m getting frustrated just thinking about it!). I have an inordinate fondness for very long skirts and dresses (though, admittedly this has more to do with covering up my hamhockesque legs than with any kind of social statement). They roll their eyes and (not always) patiently listen while I talk about the evils of the political establishment and I’m quite certain that they talk behind my back about whether or not I’ve had my children vaccinated. (I could tell, but it’s more fun to keep people guessing). Those closest to me always knew I was a hippie at heart, forever wandering the earth in search of….. well…. I’m not really sure. But I had fun wandering! 10 years ago I married a guy who totally gets it. When I have a bad headache he touches my feet and tones for me. When I had trouble with my pregnancy he enrolled me in an energetic balancing program. He’s the one who told me about the marigolds.
But I am lazy. And, hippies of the new millennium aren’t. I mean…. have you ever read what it takes to make a proper compost pile? I did it my way and just ended up with a pile of old banana peels and egg shells that the neighbors complained about.
The only reason I use cloth diapers is because someone smarter (and no doubt more ambitious) than me invented “hybrid” diapers that allow me to flush the poo away instead of actually cleaning it up. Otherwise? Ew! No! I wouldn’t deal with that mess!
My daughter went to preschool with a hippie mama who ONLY bought organic food. I absolutely believe that organics are healthier and we should all be eating them. But this lady? She drove 45 minutes from our little rural community to buy it. She paid astronomical prices and bought produce in bulk so she could can or freeze everything herself. When Red Baron comes out with a $4 organic frozen pizza that is sold at the local Walmart I will be all over that. Until then, my efforts are half-hearted at best.
Which brings up another point. Being a hippie in 1968 meant living in a park in California and bathing less often. These days it’s quite pricey! Organics cost a fortune. So do vaccinations, for that matter! Anyway…. that’s a blog for another day. But being one of the 99% makes a lot of my decisions too. I buy the $1.25 spaghetti sauce with High Fructose Corn Syrup (gasp!) instead of the $7 all natural stuff on the top shelf.
A hippie mama (in my mind) spends time with her child picking wildflowers and composing music to the beat of the bongos. Mostly I watch TV with my kids. Only educational TV though. Well. Mostly. But I have discovered a few cheap, easy ways to make a bit of an effort toward saving the earth, protecting animals, promoting family time, etc. And, let’s face it, if we all made just a bit of an effort, wouldn’t it make a huge difference?
So, now I have a blog and I hope to share all my lazy hippie tips. And maybe… just maybe… we can save the earth, promote love and peace AND have time left over to watch Glee. Uhm… I mean, educational television.
Are you, too, seeking to save the earth, promote world peace and raise productive citizens without expending too much effort?
Why not follow LazyHippieMama on WordPress, by email or Facebook to get all the updates.
If we work on our goals together, they may be a little easier to achieve!
It would seem that there has been some confusion among my readers regarding my political views. This is a little weird to me, as I don’t remember ever posting an actual statement on any specific political policy, candidate or official.
As far as I can tell, those of my readers who are staunch conservative Republicans are concerned that, because of my views on the environment and helping the poor I may be leaning a bit further left than is proper for a well-raised Midwestern Christian girl. Further, I almost NEVER watch Fox News and I have affiliated my blog, at times, with the bleeding heart liberals at Huffington Post.
Image from sodahead.com. This is not me, but the resemblance is uncanny… if I were younger and taller and thinner and more blonde and looked completely different than I do.
Those of my readers who are die-hard Democrats feel that my declarations that the government needs to be more “hands-off” and my choice to homeschool and attend a “traditional” Christian church as well as the fact that I almost NEVER watch CNN mean that I may be aligning myself with the cold-hearted conservatives.
This is not me either.
Allow me to set the record straight.
I’m not a big fan of the Republicans or the Democrats. I voted in the last election, but not for Obama or Romney. I think the government has failed. Not just the current administration, but the whole system. Obviously, problems as vast and complex as the economic recession, environmental decline and faltering education can’t be placed upon the shoulders of a single individual, or even a single political party. They’ve all had their chance: The Democrats, Republicans, Socialists, Libertarians, The Democratic-Republicans (yes, that’s a thing), The Whigs, The National Republicans, The Independents and the Federalists have all had their turn in Federal government and look where it’s gotten us!
Not one to complain without offering an alternative, Lazy Hippie Mama is here, today, to propose something altogether new for America.
This is me. I am holding a baby because I, apparently, don’t own a single photo of myself from the past 11 years in which I am not holding a child. I didn’t realize that until today.
That’s right. During the next presidential election I will be running for Queen.
Government, as it is, obviously can’t get anything done. With one party ruling the executive branch and another in the legislative we are at a stalemate. The judges… well… let’s face it… they cause nothing but trouble. No matter what they say someone ends up unhappy.
Throw them all out!
One queen.
Problem solved.
No more bickering.
I am a mom. I’m used to running things with a firm and loving hand.
Firm, but loving.
I am happy to hear your side of the story and I promise to always and forever be as fair as is humanly possible but, once judgement is rendered…. that’s it! No more talking about it or you’ll go straight to time out.
Once I’ve established my Mom-archy, first thing will be first. I will balance the budget.
Moms can stretch a dollar further than any banker or politician ever dreamed. A mom can buy a bag of potatoes for $4 and make it into 30 different meals to feed the family for a month. Moms can fix and patch and make do better than anyone in the world. Moms know the difference between NEEDS and WANTS.
“Well that’s alright, dear. Nothing goes better with cabbage than cabbage!”
The GDP in the United States is in excess of $15 TRILLION and you’re telling me we can’t afford to pay for Great-Grandpa’s heart pills.
Oh, good grief. Get a grip!
Any Mama who has told their 10 year old “no, you can’t have your own cell phone plan because you don’t really need that but we do need to PAY THE MORTGAGE,” could do a better job balancing the budget than any political party in recent memory has done.
Once the budget is balanced, here’s how it will work in the Mom-archy:
Get up! Get moving! Get to work!
Why?!?!
Because it’s morning and God gave you another day and you need to use it wisely.
Please make your bed and be sure to eat a healthy breakfast and don’t forget to brush your teeth. Nobody wants to smell your morning breath.
Do your best at work or school. You are talented and it’s a waste to give less than 100%.
No fighting! I don’t care who started it, I will finish it. Find a way to get along. Period.
Share. There is more than enough for everybody. You don’t need to be hording everything for yourself.
If you make a mess, clean it up. It is not the Mom-arch’s job to tidy up every little thing. You are plenty old enough to take care of it yourself.
Be nice to those weaker than you. Perhaps that person is physically or mentally unable to do the things you do. Be kind anyway. They, and the gifts they share with the world, are just as valuable as you are. Never forget, to someone else, you are the smaller, weaker person.
Go to bed at a reasonable hour.
Don’t waste your time watching trash TV all day.
There is never a reason to use crude language.
Treat others the way you want to be treated.
No running with scissors!
image from rathika.deviantart.com
Go to church. It doesn’t have to be MY church, but you need to recognize that there are forces in the universe far greater than yourself.
Eat your fruits and veggies.
Be kind to animals.
Boys and men, please aim carefully.
Girls and women, don’t be over-dramatic.
Your outer clothes should ALWAYS cover your underclothes.
Image from theage.com.au. This is NOT acceptable in the Mom-archy. Pull your pants up.
Take a good nap after lunch.
Take responsibility for your actions.
Don’t give up on your projects until they are finished.
Use proper grammar.
image from teamtwo3340. blogspot.com
And, for goodness sake, use your manners when you are in public. After all, good manners are a way of showing respect for others and everybody likes to be treated with respect – including you.
This shall be our national anthem.
Should you fail to follow these rules, a fitting consequence will result.
Perhaps, if you have done harm to another… say… caused him financial harm, then you will be made to repay him fairly.
If you have been mean to another, you may be made to walk in her shoes for a time, to learn what her life is like.
And if a “time out” is required, you will be sent to Florida until such a time as you can show the Mom-arch that you are fit to re-join society. And I’m not talking about the pretty, landscaped, Disney World, old-people-want-to-retire-there part of Florida, either. I’m talking about the swelteringly hot, mosquito infested swamp that caused some early European settlers to believe they had died en-route and been sent to Hell.
You sit there and think about how you made your neighbor feel! When you are ready to be nice, maybe I’ll let you come back… if the three-eyed swamp monster hasn’t eaten you yet.
There will be a police force… sort-of a secret service, if you will. It will be comprised mostly of old women. They could be anywhere, so be warned. Their primary job will be thwapping people in the back of the head or grabbing them by one ear when they are acting like idiots.
As for my part, I will do my best to see to it that no one forgets the rules. I will encourage you and lift you up. I will cheer you on, endlessly. I will point out your greatest talents and do everything in my power to give you the opportunity to use them. I will champion your worthy cause before others and do everything I can to keep you safe and healthy and be sure that you always have enough of everything you need (though, perhaps, not always everything you WANT). I will pray for you every day and give you the very best parts of who I am. I will fight for you, tirelessly. I will listen to you. I will respect you. I will love you, always, unconditionally, because of the beautiful person you are.
Why would I do those things?
That’s what a mom does.
So, what do you say? How does it sound? Do I have your vote?
Like the post, share it on Facebook, Pin it, Tweet it, re-blog it and help spread the word. After all, we only have 3 1/2 years until election day! (Plus it makes me so very ridiculously happy to have posts with lots of “views” and “likes” and “shares” Come on, won’t you follow my blog and pass this post around so I can jump up and down and say to my husband every five minutes, “Look how many views I have NOW!).
Feel free to contact me, directly, if you would like to make monetary donations to my cause.
*For the record, I truly and dearly love this country. I am humbled and honored to call myself an American and I am well aware of the extraordinary freedom that living in this time and place grants me… freedom, among other things, to write things like this. Our nation is flawed, because we are only human, but it is a wondrous place to live. Perhaps, if we all make a sincere effort to live as our mothers taught us, we can make it even better.
Are you, too, seeking to save the earth, promote world peace and raise productive citizens without expending too much effort?
Why not follow LazyHippieMama on WordPress, by email or Facebook to get all the updates.
If we work on our goals together, they may be a little easier to achieve!
The little hippies have had a very pukey few days. Thanks to the wonders of social networking I know that there are at least five other families nearby fighting off the same crud, so this brief but heartfelt post is for all those sleep deprived Mamas out there who are being nurse, maid, cook, comforter and so much more.
You may be wearing the same yoga pants you had on for the past 3 days, smell slightly like kid-sick or have disturbing mysterious stains on your shirt but, come on… admit it… you’re sexy and you know it.
Image from quickmeme.com
Here’s to a quick and total eradication of the plague!
Are you, too, seeking to save the earth, promote world peace and raise productive citizens without expending too much effort?
Why not follow LazyHippieMama on WordPress, by email or Facebook to get all the updates.
If we work on our goals together, they may be a little easier to achieve!
I had the idea to ask my Sweet Hippie Daughter a few questions about presidents in honor of this day and learned some interesting things I never knew about her (she wants to be a priest?!) and about life (the WORST thing you can do to somebody is to rub poop on them).
SHD tells me that, unfortunately, because George Washington is dead we don’t get cake today. Bummer. This post is not as good as cake, but I hope it brings you a smile.
A PRESIDENT’S DAY INTERVIEW WITH MY THIRD GRADER
Why do we celebrate president’s day?
Because it’s near two presidents’ birthdays.
Which presidents?
Lincoln and Washington.
Why do we celebrate those two, especially?
I think it’s because their two birthdays are so close together that instead of having that on one day and for example having Lincoln’s birthday and then the next day Washington’s birthday on certain days there’s just one certain day called president’s day.
But why do we celebrate those two presidents and not the rest of them?
I think it’s because that their birthdays are so close. And they’re dead anyway! You don’t need to make cakes and stuff.
Do you know anything about George Washington, as president?
Yes.
What do you know about George Washington, as president?
That people say he had wooden teeth but he really didn’t. I read it in my presidents book, that none of his dentures were wooden.
What else do you know about him?
He was the first president, ever.
Was he good at being president?
Oh, yeah!
Why?
Because he fought in lots of wars and he had many good plans and a lot of them didn’t succeed but finally… VICTORY!
What about Lincoln? What do you know about him?
I think he was… he had a funny voice. And he wore a big big big top hat that made him look very very very very tall.
Was he a good president?
I think so.
Why?
I don’t know.
Do you remember anything about Lincoln helping the slaves?
Yes!
What?
He freed some…?
Yes. He did. Do you remember anything else he did?
No.
Can you think of the names of any other presidents?
No.
Who’s the president now?
Obama.
Who was the president before Obama?
I have no idea.
I’ll give you a clue. He lived on a ranch.
George Bush. I thought he was old!
Any other presidents you can think of?
George Bush – the other one. And… uh…. No.
What do you think would be the very best part of being president?
Having your own swimming pool and football field and having as many pets as you want in the white house and stuff like that. Oh! And you can do whatever you want.
What do you think would be the very worst part?
Giving speeches.
Do you think that you would like to be president someday?
No.
Why not?
Seems kind of boring. I’d rather be something like… uh…. A priest. Or maybe a video game tester. Or maybe an artist. I don’t know. I’m pretty sure a priest. And I’m starting that out right now. I’m reading in church now. I used to do that. Now I’m doing it again. And I like it. I kind of messed up last time, though. But everyone does.
Why do you think there has never been a girl president?
Because some people think girls are wimps. I don’t like that. No.
Do you think that a girl could do just as good as a boy?
I don’t know. Hmmm… I’m not sure.
If you were the president what’s something you would change?
If I was president for a day I’d say, “No wearing seat belts. But you can if you want.”
Why would you change that law?
Because wearing seat belts is boring.
But why the part about, “If you want to?”
Because some people like wearing their seat belts. But only nerds.
(Image from activerain.com)
What do think is the most important thing that the president does?
Helps people.
Helps them do what?
Stuff. Like help make taxes.
What is the worst thing that a president could ever do?
Uhm…. Rub their poop on somebody.
What do you think is the worst thing a president could do that someone would actually do?
