Impress Your Friends and Family in 3 Simple Steps

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When I grow up my house will be beautiful.  Everything will be clean all the time. Dust will never hide behind the back rungs of my dining room chairs and no spider will dare challenge my fastidiousness by spinning a web in my picture perfect home.

I’m not grown up yet.  My house is a mess.  All the time.  Even right after I’ve cleaned.  I’ve dropped in unexpectedly at other people’s homes and it seems their children never leave dirty underwear in the living room and they actually have the motivation to wash ALL the dishes EVERY day.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not living in an episode of hoarders or anything.  But it’s been a good long while since my baseboards have been wiped down.

However, I have discovered a way to make even the tidiest neat-freak look past my housekeeping shortfalls.  At special occasions, when everyone comes to visit, upon my table (covered in a pretty green cloth so that no one can see they mysterious red stuff we can’t scrape off) in the midst of my elegant white dishes (thank you, Marie!) there is a dish of….

HOMEMADE BUTTER.  That’s right! A lovely little dish of whipped up elegance that company marvels at.  “Oh!” They say, “You must have spent hours milking your cow and churning that perfectly lovely creamy dab of deliciousness!”  I just smile demurely.  “Yes. Yes.  I, working mother & homemaker extraordinaire, prepared this  delicacy JUST FOR YOU. Because I love you THAT much.”

It never occurred to me to take a picture of my butter, so I am sharing this one from Wikihow.  This is very much what your butter looks like after you drain it and before you shape it into whatever shape you chose.

It never occurred to me to take a picture of my butter, so I am sharing this one from Wikihow. This is very much what your butter looks like after you drain it and before you shape it into whatever shape you chose.

Once I added herbs.  I thought my guests were going to completely neglect my Pillsbury biscuits out of a can and just start eating the stuff with their spoons.

Here’s the thing, though.  Several years ago my husband gave me a Martha Stewart cookbook for Christmas.  While some ladies may prefer jewelry or perfume I was actually quite excited about this! As time has moved forward there are really only 2 recipes I use from it.  Her basic fried chicken is one.  The other is the secret as to why my friends and family are so VERY impressed.

Because you have taken the time to read my little blog I’ll share Martha’s secret with you.  How to make the most fabulous tasting and impressive condiment on the Earth:

1. Pour a carton of heavy whipping cream into your food processor fitted with the metal blade.

2. Turn it on a let it run. And run. And run.  It could take a good 5 or 10 minutes.  I suppose things like the temperature of the cream and the room make a difference but I’m not sure how all that works.

3. Drain off the “buttermilk.”  I find that pouring everything into a strainer and then collecting the “chunks” and letting them drain on a paper towel works well.  You may even give your little butterball a squeeze or two to get the excess moisture out.

That’s it!  That’s what the local grocery is charging you $4 a pound for!  Feel free to add salt or herbs as your little hippie heart desires.  Use your hands to mold it into a ball (I often wrap it in a paper towel and squeeze it because I don’t like it to be watery) or use a cookie cutter to make it into an occasion-appropriate shape.  It will be the creamiest, sweetest, most delicious condiment you’ve ever served and all your friends and family will be impressed too!  Your fresh butter won’t last long.  Once you make it, you need to use it up or freeze it within a few days.  But, alas, all good things must come to an end.

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